Thursday, 31 July 2014

Royal Palace Tour

Most non-Nilkawtians desire to visit Nilkawt for only one reason, namely to participate in a tour of the royal palace.  Apart from the Nilkawtians themselves, only Australian citizens are currently eligible to enter Nilkawt.

Whether as Nilkawtians or Australians, all persons wishing to (re)enter Nilkawt are examined thoroughly prior to gaining (re)entry.  This is to ensure they have excellent skills in the English language, good table manners and an acceptable standard of hygiene. Bad habits are so easy to pick up nowadays.  In fact, there is a pandemic of such unfortunate experiences.

The royal palace, Palazzo Twaklinilkawt, is not particularly large.  Crowds are deemed to be an avoidable annoyance to Her Illustrious Highness the Ethereal Grand Duchess. 

In view of this, only persons with the ability to contribute substantially to the improvement of the Nilkawtian economy, through the purchase of visas, entry tickets for the palace, tickets for the tour, exclusive mementos, exquisite refreshments and beautiful souvenir slippers, will be eligible to join the tour.

Advanced bookings are recommended.  Ticket prices for the tour, in Australian dollars, at current currency exchange rates, start at:

  • $100,000 for an Australian self funded retiree, 
  • $100,010 for an Australian old age full pensioner, 
  • $100,012 for an Australian person with disabilities likely to require modifications to the palace, 
  • $100,101 for an Australian old age part pensioner, 
  • $100,111 for an Australian mature aged university student over the age of 45, 
  • $1,000,000 for any other Australian person over the age of 45 not accounted for in the above categories, 
  • $1,100,000 for a relatively poor Australian person aged between 34 and 44, 
  • $4,000,000 for an Australian celebrity aged between 34 and 44, and 
  • $5,100,011 for any other Australian person, except those under the age of 28 years as they are deemed too immature to express adequate appreciation of the tour and will therefore not be admitted to the palace grounds. 

All prices quoted above are for the low season only.  Please also consider making a substantial donation to Her Illustrious Highness's philanthropic funds.

Tours last one hour.  Photography, other forms of recording, including sketching and note keeping, are strictly prohibited.  Digital devices will not just be required to be switched off for the duration of the tour.  They will be confiscated upon entry to Nilkawt and only returned upon payment of a small token fee, currently equivalent to $8,000,000.

Obese visitors should note that they will be required to pay the additional $24,000,000 Circumference Levy.  This will be used to cover the costs of additional engineering works to the palace chairs, toilets, doorways and floors.  Such a reasonable requirement will ensure the comfort and safety of all residents, visitors and servants.

Visitors are also reminded that smoking is a capital offence in Nilkawt, just as it is in every other society.  Possession of tobacco products, even if only consisting of residual yellow stains on the teeth and/or fingers, will require the compulsory removal of one lung and the larynx by a reasonably experienced surgeon, well before the tour commences.  Please ensure you have a credit card handy, with no upper limit.

Tours are timed to commence at 4am, 7am, 1.43pm, 2.27pm, 2.58pm and 9.32pm.  Each will be conducted only in the English language, with clear diction, great courtesy and an immense knowledge of history.  It should also be noted that the size of each tour group is limited to 24 persons. 

All tour guides are fully qualified to answer questions without referring to their notes.  Most tour guides are also able to navigate around the palace without getting lost, though no guarantee for this can be made.