Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Visa Types

For a first visit to Nilkawt, most applicants opt for the easiest visa to obtain, namely the four-hour Fleeting Visit Visa (FVV).  It is not advisable to apply for this visa if you are likely to arrive purportedly as part of a fishing or naval fleet.  Nilkawt is rather too far from the sea for that.

The FVV is currently available at bargain basement prices, at least for suitably qualified prospective visitors.  Anyone arriving at the Nilkawtian border with heavy luggage, or any luggage at all, will be viewed with suspicion. 

Even with the FVV, applicants will discover that the Nilkawtian Immigration and Broader Inspection staff are instructed to examine and interview all new arrivals through the proper international method.  This will be achieved under reliable global scrutiny, applying the same conditions as a television chat show.  All interviews will therefore subsequently be uploaded to YouTube.

As with any other Nilkawtian visa, anyone needing to ask the price is probably unlikely to be able to afford it.  And only full Australian citizens need apply.  Other nationalities must first obtain an Australian visa, then Australian citizenship, and then vote in state, federal and local elections over at least a ten year period.

The next category of visa is the Only a Visitor Visa (OVV).   This visa is for applicants wishing to sleep in Nilkawt, preferably not during an official guided tour of the royal palace.  The OVV usually lasts for 27.5 hours, no more than eleven of which should be spent in sleeping, dosing, or lazing around doing nothing in particular.

It is impossible to obtain any other visa to visit Nilkawt without first obtaining an FVV followed by an OVV.  This even applies to persons wishing to obtain a diplomatic visa, which in itself will not be acceptable for entry to Nilkawt, of course, but may be acceptable for gaining entry to relevant elegant functions here in the digital embassy.  Accreditation should therefore be in accordance with neighbourhood norms.

For Australian citizens, after entry to and departure from Nilkawt as temporary visitors, it is highly likely that such persons will desire to become temporary or even permanent residents.  The Government of Nilkawt therefore has full measures in place to respond to such ambitions.

An Inadequate Temporary Residency Visa (ITRV) requires its holder to stay at Mrs Bedbug's Boarding House in one of the shabbier and shadier parts of Nilkawtian territory, far away from any of the grand buildings, shops, restaurants, tourist attractions, medical facilities and job opportunities.  The fee for the ITRV includes the cost of drab accommodation, an insufficient breakfast, an occasional small sandwich for luncheon, and a tin of something-or-other for dinner. This will be supplied on a daily basis for up to a year on a help-yourself basis.

You may wish to note that Mrs Bedbug believes herself to be very fortunate to have obtained the ITRV contract after putting forward the lowest bid during the tender process.  She promises to welcome everyone with open arms and much tenderness, as does her very friendly though somewhat clumsy son, Groper Bedbug.

Please note that every holder of an ITRV will be personally responsible for all the cleaning and cleanliness they require; the shower facilities in Mrs Bedbug's establishment are communal and temperamental, and the toilet facilities are at the bottom of the garden.

For the same price as an ITRV, but without any included accommodation and catering, the next option is to upgrade to the Royal Residency Experience Visa (RREV).  This will entitle the recipient to stay within the grounds of the royal palace, at the centre of everything.  There will be an excellent range of accommodation, dining options, and artistic activities from which to choose, subject to the ability to pay in advance. 

In fact, all the RREV possibilities require applicants to pay very well in advance, and very well indeed.  Prior to obtaining this visa, applicants should also expect to be examined extensively and intensively by several suitably qualified medical, dental, sartorial and etiquette specialists.  Nilkawt wishes as many of its visitors as possible to be very well, very well dressed and very well mannered, but not necessarily very wealthy during and after a visit.

Please be advised that the wilder parts of the palace grounds are strictly out of bounds at all times, to ensure the safety and security of all RREV holders.

Before a RREV, ITRV, OVV or even an FVV will be issued, any unhealthy, scruffy or rude applicants, regardless of life expectancy, will be required to pay an additional charge.  This will cover the costs of all the health services of Nilkawt.  The invoice sent to present the charge will therefore include the detailed, forecast budget for the entire Nilkawtian population's health, medical and nutritional requirements over the next twenty-five years, with a statement indicating the percentage of the cost to be paid by the visa applicant. 

The last category of visa is for permanent Nilkawtian residency (PNRV).  Only persons willing to sit, stand or shuffle about in the corridors of power, as well as in the power backup room and the lower parlour in the Parliament of Nilkawt need apply.

If your main desire is to become a Nilkawtian citizen at some future date, it is advisable to acknowledge, in writing, that you are also willing, should that eventuality occur, to become a member of the upper parlour.  The Permanent Nilkawtian Residency Visa is therefore the highest immigration status any visitor usually wishes to attain.

As every citizen of Nilkawt is eligible for a place in the upper parlour of the Parliament of Nilkawt, such persons may also be nominated for a ministerial position in the cabinet, usually quite unexpectedly.   It should therefore be noted that once nominated and approved for a place at the head of a ministry, it is not possible for any candidate to refuse the position offered except by fleeing Nilkawt, with or without the assistance of a fleet.

Applicants for subsequent citizenship should be aware that no Nilkawtian citizen has ever been successful at claiming refugee status.  It is, perhaps, for this reason that so many persons around the world wish to experience life in Nilkawt for themselves yet fail to do so.