Friday, 29 August 2014

Minister of Communications

The Nilkawtian Minister of Communications is usually responsible for ensuring information is available for publication through this digital embassy at 9 am local time on weekday morning.  Even so, such a requirement does not apply during election campaigns, when publication of any information at all about Nilkawt is strictly banned within Nilkawtian territory, as well as through any Nilkawtian embassies, including this one.

All Nilkawtian embassies are also required to be closed during election campaigns, including this digital one.  The official closing event in question will probably occur in synchrony at 5 pm Nilkawtian time today, if the ambassador remembers to lock the digital doors properly.

In view of the above, the current Minister of Communications, Doctor Hu Sayyid Watt, wants to have the last word not only today but also until after the elections.

Doctor Hu is an inscrutable gentleman on most occasions, though he has been observing the media and communications of other nations for quite some time now and has picked up some very bad habits as a consequence.  He recently sought to post a selfie here, whatever that means.  He explained that it had something to do with portraiture, but as no portraits other than the official one of the Nilkawtian head of state are permitted to be presented in any official Nilkawtian form of communication, his request was denied.

Doctor Hu frequently states that he comes from a highly distinguished family.  He says that his father's father was of esteemed Arabian descent and his father's very wealthy mother was of honorable Chinese and Mongolian descent. His mother's father was also of Chinese descent, apparently, and was in fact the half-brother of his father's mother.  His mother's mother always stated that she was directly descended on her father's side from the eldest son of the famous James Watt, though that dubious biographical information does not match the know facts at all.  However, Ms Watt may have descended from one of the children of the distinguished gentleman's second marriage.

Doctor Hu is called Doctor Hu, rather than Doctor Sayyid or Doctor Watt, because his Hu great grandfather, himself a Doctor Hu, left a huge sum of money in a trust fund in Switzerland to pay for the education of any of his family members willing to become a new Doctor Hu in the extended family diaspora.  In view of this, the young Sayyid Watt Hu or Hu Watt Sayyid, depending on his geographical location at the time, became Hu Sayyid Watt and went to Eton and Cambridge in England, then Harvard in the United States and then to the International Training Centre for the Harmonious Interplay of Beauty, Understanding and Magnificence in both Adelaide and Nilkawt.  Doctor Hu then became a foreign exchange dealer in New York, before returning to Nilkawt to continue his education.

The Sayyid side of the family, like the Hu side of the family, is scattered all over the world, and perhaps even all over the universe. Doctor Hu says he enjoyed a very close relationship with his father, Mr Sayyid, when he was growing up, even though they rarely met.  Mr Sayyid worked in the oil industry in Iran before the revolution there.  He then worked in the oil industry in Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Kuwait, Texas and in the North Sea.

Mr Sayyid's parents were both archaeologists, as were those of Mrs Sayyid, who was herself better known as Professor Hu, in keeping with the family tradition.  Professor Hu was a petroleum engineer, like Mr Sayyid.  Most of her career was spent in universities rather than deserts and seas.

The archaeologist Doctor Watt was inspired to take up that career after reading about the work of Gertrude Bell, Dorothy Garrod and Princess Marie of Windisch-Graetz.  Her own father was a tram conductor in London from the 1920s to the 1940s and her mother was a tea lady and occasional spy at the Foreign Office in Whitehall.

Doctor Hu's grandparents were all part of an international research team at Eridu in the 1950s.  In the 1970s, they retired to secluded, adjoining cottages near Kalangadoo in South Australia to grow olive trees and keep bees.  Their children subsequently joined them there from the 1990s onwards while the grandchildren studied in various parts of the world.

Doctor Hu Sayyid Watt is looking forward to giving up his technological and technocratic duties as Nilkawtian Minister of Communications so that he can speak and write more freely about his life, his personal interests, his currently secret ministerial activities and his family history.  He claims never to have been a communist or a capitalist or any other sort of ist.

In fact, Doctor Hu believes a prosperous, peaceful and harmonious society is one in which all ists are banned or sent off into the time warp in which they truly belong.  His theory is that when this occurs, everyone will be able to communicate without unnecessary arguments, at least if they can agree to disagree on the interpretation of scientific and even non-scientific evidence.

The Nilkawtian Ministry of Communications never discusses its activities.  All further information is classified.  Do not discuss this with your friends. You may find yourself participating in some extraordinary renditions of ballroom dancing, table tennis, Sufi poetry and Peking opera.

And always remember that it is never safe to accept cups of tea from strangers in relatively luxurious hotels.

Thursday, 28 August 2014


The history of Nilkawt has never been properly published as most of the historians working on the topic are still working on the topic and therefore have not yet produced anything worthy of publication.

A brief history of the old and new royal Nilkawtian palaces is available for tourists, but this is merely a superficial gloss on the truth, like most information provided for such purposes.

If you believe news to be future history, then the future history of Nilkawt has already been provided to you through this embassy.

Wednesday, 27 August 2014


Nilkawt has an excellent, extensive and anonymous media service, as well as a few more prominent and better funded sources of lesser quality.  All of the digital media services of Nilkawt are operated from outside Nilkawtian territory.

The central government of Nilkawt owns the The Nilkawtian Gazette, which publishes all the important facts and figures about Nilkawt and the districts surrounding it.  No-one outside the government itself currently reads the current editions of The Nilkawtian Gazette even though it is produced on a daily basis at great expense.

Most government ministers in Nilkawt are known to ignore facts and figures, which has always been quite a common phenomenon in most governments around the world. This means that the The Nilkawtian Gazette is only of practical use to the official historians of Nilkawt, all of whom are always fully occupied in writing The Nilkawtian Chronicles.

Each local government area within Nilkawt has its own newspaper, each of which is called The Local.  These are owned by the centralised Local Government Administration Service, which itself is owned by the central government of Nilkawt.  Unfortunately, most Nilkawtians are rarely able to tell which version of  The Local belongs to their local area and which of the other types of The Local are supposed to be more relevant to one of the other counties.

No "free" newspapers are permitted in Nilkawt.  No printed advertising or billboards are permitted in Nilkawt, either.  This ensures that the beauty of each local area is enhanced with some efficiency and that the recycling facilities of Nilkawt are not used unnecessarily.

The Nilkawtian Gazette and The Local are available by annual subscription.  Payments and mailings are arranged through the Opulent Office of the Prime Minister.  That office, as everyone in Nilkawt knows, is usually staffed only by properly trained members of the acting profession, none of whom have any administrative abilities whatsoever. 

The actors are, however, exceptionally proficient at method acting, ensuring they all have the ability to act on the world stage as a head of government, a deputy head of government, a deputy foreign minister or deputy head of state at a moment's notice, without anyone noticing anything odd.  They are experts at performing at press conferences, publicity stunts and global junkets.

For the real news in Nilkawt, most Nilkawtians seek out the most excellent news blogs produced for the benefit of all the people in their local area, just as the people of Adelaide do.  However, the Constitution of Nilkawt requires these either to be read from outside Nilkawtian territory or to be expensively printed before importation.   Discussing news is always a private pursuit in Nilkawt, unless is involves policy matters.

Tuesday, 26 August 2014


The Treasury of Nilkawt is supervised by the Chief Lady-in-Waiting (CLW) to Her Illustrious Highness the Ethereal Grand Duchess.  The CLW position holder, in her financial capacity, is known as the Great Saviour of the Treasury.  In a political capacity, she is known as the (sub) Prime Minister.

Depending on the qualities of the Chief Lady-in-Waiting, the prime ministerial activities may either be substandard or merely subordinated to more important matters.  Political activities are rarely substantial in Nilkawt, even for someone with responsibility for the nation's sublime finances.

As Great Saviour of the Treasury, the Chief Lady-in-Waiting appoints all of the economic, banking, insurance and financial advisers to the Nilkawtian people.  Her main duty, in such a capacity, is to ensure a steady and substantial revenue stream for the running of Nilkawt, regardless of the quantity or quality of water, or lack of it, in the fields, gardens, forests, orchards, creeks, ponds, dams and rainwater tanks of the nation.

Money is often to be treated like water in Nilkawt, as stated in the Constitution:  Money:  Too much of it often creates a muddy social swamp and much inconvenience to persons of little wealth.  Too little of it tends to dry up all enthusiasm and leads intelligent persons to go elsewhere in search of a better life

The Chief Lady-in-Waiting is also the Head of the Royal Household.  This position has a far higher status, and much higher power, than that of the three private Private Secretaries to Her Illustrious Highness.  Fortunately, in her occasionally infinite wisdom, the current ethereal grand duchess, Twaklin I, has ensured that the Chief Lady-in-Waiting position is filled newly each day from a roster of all the suitably qualified ladies within her household.  At present, there are three hundred and seventy-seven such persons.

In colloquial terms, the CLW is known as The Clue.  In view of this, no-one can say that Her Illustrious Highness doesn't have a Clue.  In fact, even before her unpredicted and unprecedented accession to the throne, the ethereal grand duchess had been responsible for training all the ladies in question to be ladies in waiting.

Unfortunately, most ladies in the world are, of course, still waiting not only for the training they require in order to take up their rightful places in society, they are also waiting for the respect due to them for their current abilities, their expressed and unexpressed qualities, and their untapped abilities to balance household, national and global budgets.

As the treasury position is so important in Nilkawt, ordinary meetings of the Cabinet are chaired by the unofficial Head of Government, namely the Minister for Arts and Sciences.

Monday, 25 August 2014

Grand Closing

In view of the fact that secret ballots in Nilkawt are very secret indeed, and the next Nilkawtian elections are to be held on Tuesday 30 September 2014, the Government of Nilkawt wishes to announce that this digital embassy, and all other Nilkawtian embassies around the world, will be shut from the end of August 2014 until further notice.

Although the further notice will not be available through this embassy, as it will still be shut, of course, please ensure you await further official announcements directly from Her Illustrious Highness the Ethereal Grand Duchess, Twaklin I.  These will be made available through the offices and auspices of her three very distinguished, very discreet and very private Private Secretaries, namely:

Lord Gregory Gobsmack-Twittering, Earl of Foolya

Lady Philophrosyne Facebookian-Flabberghast, Countess of Cupateeunkaique

Lord Dughall Google Platter-Plus-Bugle, Earl of Backoutshire

Notification Source A

Notification Source B

Notification Source C

Friday, 22 August 2014

Humour Rights Commissioner

The Nilkawtian Humour Rights Commission works closely with its international counterparts, even including the Australian one.  This ensures serious attention is given to the most important local and global matters by the people of greatest influence.

The Humour Rights Commissioner for Nilkawt, The Exceedingly Honourable The Marchioness of Passatempo, Lady Felicia Gioconda Allegra Divertimento, knows that her job is the most important one in the world.  Good humour is essential to the maintenance and development of psychological well-being and world peace, she believes.  Unfortunately, some of her enemies call her The Mad Marchioness, or Mad March for short.

Lady Felicia has been responsible for many excellent initiatives by the Nilkawtian government.  In fact, there would be very few initiatives by the government at all without her influence, guidance and ongoing support.  Lady Felicia is an expert on the legitimate use of farce.

The Commission is commissioned to commission suitably qualified members of the public to sit on the Commission.  The Commission then grants permissions through a process of submissions regarding various admissions from wayward politicians.

Citizens with petitions accompanied by musicians present their positions with jokes about omissions.   This is particularly useful when election are about to be held.

Suitably qualified members of the public are usually few and far between, so the Commissioner is often the only person on the Commission. Her main duty is to ensure free and fair elections.  This is achieved by finding out which people are genuinely ambitious for political office and which ones see it all as a joke.

A gag order is placed on anyone genuinely seeking high public office, for obvious reasons.  For persons pretending to seek higher office for satirical rather than political purposes, measures are in place to ensure they are surprised by the outcome of their actions.

For example, the current Nilkawtian Minister for Arts and Sciences is someone no-one would take seriously in any circumstances.  He had mentioned to his great aunt, once or twice before his appointment, that he thought he was suitably qualified for the position of Enlightenment Minister.  Unfortunately for the minister, his Great Aunt Jocasta is one of the greatest gossips the Government of Nilkawt has ever had the displeasure of acknowledging.

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Visiting Nilkawt

Finding Nilkawt on a map is often impossible.  Even during a land title search, things can be quite difficult.  Land in Nilkawt is registered under Twaklin title not Torrens title.

In order to maintain the privacy of the Nilkawtians, there are no road signs leading to Nilkawt. All maps upon which the location of Nilkawt is indicated are the intellectual property of the Nilkawtian Head of State and therefore subject to the payment of significant royalty fees.

There are no airports, anywhere in the world, with aircraft available to fly directly or indirectly to Nilkawt.  This is mainly due to the fact that Nilkawt has no airport or helipad of its own, for reasons of energy efficiency. 

For reasons of safety, Nilkawt has no mechanisms or employees in place to manage the control of any form of air traffic, for any sort of flying machine or even for large flocks of cockatoos.  This is because many Nilkawtians have prior rights and therefore delight in flying kites at all hours of the day and night above every Nilkawtian open space of their own choosing, subject to the laws of trespass.

Nilkawt does, however, have a mechanism in place to prevent its territory being seen by anyone from space.  This gadget was originally invented by the Nilkawtian foreign minister for reasons of personal privacy during the summer months, but now it is used all year round for the benefit of all the people of Nilkawt.

As this digital embassy mainly exists for the benefit of foreigners wishing to visit Nilkawt, such persons may find it helpful to ensure, initially, that they are able to find Adelaide on a map, with or without the assistance of Abel Tasman.  Adelaide is where this embassy, the nearest one to Nilkawt, is situated.

A map purportedly showing Adelaide

A map purportedly showing

Adelaide, Australia and Nilkawt

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Minister for Useful Employment

There are only two types of employment within Nilkawt, one of which is generated by the Ministry of Useful Employment and the other type is not.  Anyone unable to find work without the assistance of the ministry is required to apply for work through the ministry itself.

In view of this, there is never any unemployment in Nilkawt.  Nor are there any pensions or pensioners amongst the citizenry, except in exceptional circumstances.  Anyone unable to work in other available and unavailable occupations due to illness, frailty, disability, injury or general incompetence will immediately be employed through the Ministry of Useful Employment, usually as a public medical research assistant.

Anyone working as a public medical research assistant is provided with free accommodation, free food and a generous general allowance for additional personal expenses. Such persons are also usually eligible for free training, free transport and free health care, in all their varieties.

The current Minister for Useful Employment, Doctor Hester Proctor, believes everyone over the age of three years, eight months and two days should be usefully employed for no less than six hours each day and no more than ten hours, every day of the week, whenever commuting is not involved.  Doctor Proctor's extensive international research reveals this to be healthy for most persons in most societies, at least if they are mainly employed as public medical research assistants.

Doctor Proctor believes all forms of commuting to be very unhealthy, particularly for journeys lasting more than eight minutes.  Therefore, most people in Nilkawt are required to live within eight minutes of their usual place of work.

In addition, as it is rarely possible to become a citizen of Nilkawt before the age of 42, and all children under the age of 28 years are strictly forbidden from entering Nilkawtian territory, there is plenty of work available in Nilkawt for mature adults, both inside and outside government services.

Being a public medical research assistant is the most prestigious occupation in Nilkawt, though persons employed in that capacity rarely have any privacy.  Such workers often rise to celebrity status as their every action and statement is recorded and subsequently reported through the Nilkawtian media.

Tuesday, 19 August 2014


It is most fortunate for the Nilkawtians, and for the rest of the world, that Nilkawt has a detailed, yet comprehensible and democratic Constitution.  Every Thursday, all Nilkawtians, according to the Constitution, are required to have a long luncheon with a small group of acquaintances.

During the weekly lunchtime meeting, the improvement of the Constitution is required to be the only topic of conversation, at least during the main course.   In view of this, most Nilkawtians enjoy eating together in silence.

A few people are known to prefer gathering for salads and in depth discussions on the merits of the current Constitutional system and the possible consequences of various proposed changes, but no-one else takes any notice.

Eating takes precedence over thoughts about presidents whenever a Nilkawtian casserole is served.  Improving any political system requires some thought about food, as well as food for thought, which is why a hot luncheon is more likely to be the hottest topic of conversation for the politically misguided or the merely hungry. 

Monday, 18 August 2014

Minister for Training

Although there is no-one supervising the Departments for Enlightenment, or Health or Education in Nilkawt at present, it is very fortunate indeed that there is a Ministry for Training.  Most persons employed by that ministry, and all other ministries in Nilkawt, are currently trainees themselves.

The Minister for Training, Professor Elbertina  Marshmallow, supervises the curriculum offered by the Nilkawtian Beneficence Society (NBS).  The NBS is responsible for providing guidance to anyone wishing to train anyone to do anything.  It currently has a monopoly regarding such pursuits.

In the view of the Minister, most training, in most parts of the world, is not particularly beneficial to anyone.  In fact, she believes such training is usually detrimental both to the trainee and to unsuspecting members of the public, particularly those wishing to receive the excellent alleviation of their needs.

Professor Marshmallow believes everyone in Nilkawt should be in training for something beneficial to humanity during every waking hour.  The Constitution of Nilkawt even states that all Nilkawtians are required to obtain a basic standard of usefulness before becoming full citizens.  At present, 78.62% of Nilkawtians are trainee novice citizens.

Fortunately, the training towards full citizenship currently includes matters such as health, hygiene, nutrition, first aid, culinary excellence, etiquette, safety, budgeting, elocution, basic home maintenance, organic gardening, energy efficiency, water management, hospitality, advanced psychology, history of art, English language proficiency in both its written and spoken forms, and a few rudimentary singing lessons.  Unfortunately, as most Nilkawtians are still in training, as are most non-Nilkawtian residents of Nilkawt, and due to the fact that many persons fail to turn up for the tutorials, full citizens of Nilkawt spend most of their time re-doing work incorrectly done by others.

Friday, 15 August 2014

Minister for Prosperity

Preventing poverty is extremely important in Nilkawt.  The Ample Sufficiency Agency, the Office of the Sub-Prime Minister, the Grand Chancellery of the Treasury, and the Salaries Review Board are all the responsibility of the Minister for Prosperity.  The minister is also responsible for the Ministry for Prosperity of course.

The Ministry for Prosperity provides excellent supervision of the interpersonal behaviour and personal behaviour expressed amongst the Nilkawtians and their visitors.  The current minister, Sister Fiona Frugal, does her best to ensure the head of the department, Doctor Mark Etting, does his job properly.

Sister Frugal believes that if everyone did there jobs properly, and tried to ensure their most senior subordinates did their jobs properly, all would be right in the world.  Sister Frugal believes her superior to be the Great Saviour of the Treasury, though it is not yet known if that personage supervises anyone.  At present, the Great Saviour of the Treasury cannot be seen or heard, or even perceived through the sense of smell.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Minister for Agriculture

Food and fibre are very important to the people of Nilkawt.  The Ministry for Agriculture is therefore responsible for the management of the Yes Oui Cannery, providing gourmet French-style organic, vegan cuisine at a time of anyone's convenience.

The current minister, Groper Tait O'Sullivan, has been in the Nilkawtian horticulture business for many years.  He inherited the family farm from his father, also called Groper, but unfortunately there is no-one left in the family to take over the business.  Groper junior never married.  In fact, most female persons refuse to have anything to do with him, including his sister, Mrs Petunia Bedbug.

Mrs Bedbug works in the hospitality industry, as does her son, also named Groper. Her husband, Balmain Bedbug, left Nilkawt many years ago as he wanted to be a fisherman.  There is no aquaculture industry in Nilkawt and the sea is far too far away from the territory, as are any major rivers.  Please make a note of this information if you are currently seeking to visit Nilkawt.

Most aspects of agriculture in Nilkawt are supervised by the Environment Ministry, for reasons of sustainability.  No-one is currently supervising the hospitality industry, which is why Mrs Bedbug and her son are still in business.

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Minister for Pleasant Weather

The Government of Nilkawt relies on both Nilkawtian and Australian sources for much of its climatological information.  This particularly applies to climatological information of the statistical sort but fortunately not for its climate policies.

The Nilkawtian Bureau of Meteorology (NBM) recently had its budget cut.  This was mainly due to the fact that the bureau usually relies on the Australian Bureau of Meteorology rather than the Nilkawtian Ministry for Pleasant Weather, for most of its forecasting.

Most of the staff of the NBM have had very little to do but gather statistics and play with charts of data for the past twelve hundred years.  As the data is now all collected and documented digitally, the only member of staff remaining at the NBM is the energetic part-time cleaner, Mrs Wendy Greenhouse.

For climate statistics, the NBM relies on all the Nilkawtian citizenry rather than just the BOM, CSIRO, and the totally inadequate NBN.  The citizens of Nilkawt certainly do not expect to rely on the  quite-likely-never-to-be-properly-built Nilkawtian Broadband Network.

Nilkawt's climate policies are formulated through the Nilkawtian Ministry for Pleasant Weather, with only very slight assistance from the current minister, Ms Sheila B. Wright.  The minister has stated that neither she nor her department are responsible for the current, practically non-existent and therefore ineffective Nilkawtian climate policies.  She advises everyone to blame it on the weather and the Australian government.

The Constitution of Nilkawt requires every Nilkawtian household to gather environmental statistics three times a day, just before mealtimes.  At the end of each month, citizens are required to send the statistics to the NBM for analytical and synthetical processing.  After the monthly statistics are processed, the results are produced as glorious, full-colour data charts and then beautifully printed and bound.

The finished monthly product is then gift-wrapped and sent to the Minister for Pleasant Weather by hot air balloon, even when the weather is exceedingly unpleasant.  For this reason, most of the local statistics required for the formulation of locally-relevant climatological policies, particularly those of some usefulness to future Nilkawtians, have been lost in transit.

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Local Government

Nilkawt has an extensive and sophisticated system of local government, which is just as well really. Administration is divided between the seven counties, as the principal districts of Nilkawt are known.

Local government in Nilkawt is where the people usually swear their allegiance to uphold all sorts of highly enlightened democratic principles, at least if they are enlightened themselves and never swear anywhere in a vulgar manner.

The Nilkawtians regularly celebrate the fact that Nilkawt is an elective constitutional monarchy.  They also find cause for celebration in the fact that a new Nilkawtian cabinet is appointed constitutionally at least every two years, through highly detailed procedures, most of which are the responsibility of an electoral college.

The Nilkawtian Electoral College consists of all the sitting or standing cabinet ministers, none of whom are eligible to sit or stand for any government position ever again at the end of their single term of office, even at the local level.  All ministerial positions in Nilkawt are held by members of the cabinet.

It is very fortunate, therefore, that each Nilkawtian county has its own local government structures and institutions.  These act independently on most matters on most occasions.

The County of State is the primary county, mainly due to the fact that Twaklinton, the capital city of Nilkawt, is situated there, as is the royal palace.  The other six counties are of secondary importance but of equal status, regardless of the qualities of the persons inhabiting them.  Those counties, in alphabetical order, are Austrooliana, Backoutshire, Cupateeunkaique, Dada, Elegantshire and Foolya.

The chief officer of each county is known as an earl or countess.  The position is only an honorary one and has no apparent duties attached to it, except for a presumption that the holder will at least provide temporary or permanent leadership upon assumption to the position.

Each chief officer is usually appointed by the head of state for a seven year term.  Candidates are selected from vast quantities of ethereal non-Nilkawtians.  This is in order to ensure holders of such exalted positions remain above politics, or at least above Nilkawtian politics. 

Most other governmental duties at the local level are performed by not-so-local public servants.  Those persons are appointed to the Roster of Competency for all the local areas, other than the ones they usually inhabit.  Inclusion on the roster is held for life, subject to reasonable limitations and absolute loyalty to the Nilkawtian Constitution.

The most competent public servants are highly valued and highly respected members of Nilkawtian society.  The least competent and/or most abusive ones are usually dismissed from their positions quite quickly to ensure efficiency and pleasantness can be maintained to the highest possible standard.

Complaints about the running of counties and government facilities are often the main topics of conversation, discussion and debate in the Parliament of Nilkawt.  Such topics are banned from discussion in the Government of Nilkawt.

Dismissals of incompetent or abusive public servants, at least at the local level, are performed regularly in accordance with the procedures implemented by the Hike Kawt Court of the Caught, after which refreshments are served.  Dismissal of incompetent or abusive members of parliaments and governments are performed even more regularly, hence Nilkawt has the highest standard of governance in the world.

Monday, 11 August 2014

Minister for Tolerance

Minister Drew C. Christie is currently in charge of the wide-ranging portfolio of the Nilkawtian Department for Tolerance.  As a transgender, asexual and apolitical hermaphrodite, the minister makes perfectly balanced decisions on every topic. 

It is of no concern to the minister, or of anyone else for that matter, that such an enlightened person would be born as neither male nor female and at the same time be both male and female.  Most well-informed people will therefore believe everyone has the right to be as nature intended them to be, at least in a physical sense, if that is how the individual in question chooses to continue their existence. 

The Department for Tolerance is mostly composed of persons with much better things to do than put other people into intolerable categories.  Even so, the Nilkawtian Constitution includes the right to believe in anything at all, however silly, but not the right to express ill-informed beliefs other than through works of fiction and/or as appropriate expressions of religion.

The minister is particularly responsible for ensuring religious and irreligious tolerance can be maintained in a proper place.  The Hall of Contested Fictions is therefore the only location in Nilkawt deemed appropriate for the public and community expression of any purportedly religious and/or ideological behaviour, including all forms of proselytism.  All other areas of Nilkawtian territory are out-of-bounds to such behaviours, thereby maintaining an adequate separation between the scientifically verifiable, secular state and threats to its existence.

Friday, 8 August 2014


Obtaining Nilkawtian citizenship is one of the highest honours any ordinary mortal can possibly expect to receive during an entire, average lifetime.  It is therefore a requirement for new citizens of Nilkawt, old citizens and all sorts of other citizens, to express an appropriate level of gratitude on a daily and hourly basis, at least when awake.

All full citizens of Nilkawt also remain full citizens of Australia, though very few full citizens of Australia will ever have the opportunity to be or become full citizens of Nilkawt.  Any Nilkawtian losing Australian citizenship will immediately lose Nilkawtian citizenship.  In view of this, it is necessary to ensure all citizens uphold the International Laws of Decency.

Full Nilkawtian citizenship is obviously quite difficult to obtain, particularly without extensive and intensive training. Some understanding of history is also quite useful.

The Ethereal Grand Duchy of Nilkawt came into theoretically conscious existence, under Eternal Law, in the Australian Financial Year of 2002-2003, at which time the Nilkawtian citizenry consisted only of enlightened beings of highly significant and influential, ethereal, historical stature.  The statutes and statues of Nilkawt were then imaginatively created in draft form by a democratically-elected panel of those new ethereal citizens. 

At the same time, technical grounds for just causes were developed for the foundations of a new, temporary, digital royal palace.  The original, preternatural, pre-21st century, ethereal non-digital, magnificently illuminated manuscript version of an old royal palace has therefore now been stripped of its tangible assets.  Its remaining creative possibilities have been sold off for commercial purposes by the Government of Nilkawt. 

The shell of the old palace has now been financially structured through a shell company and transformed into a facility for temporary residents.  A new, more permanent royal palace has recently been imaginatively constructed.  That palace, Palazzo Twaklinilkawt, is where the grand Nilkawtian citizenship ceremonies now take place, at 2.30 pm precisely on 1 July each year.  As Nilkawt keeps to the same Financial Year as Australia, this is very convenient indeed from a taxation point of view.

Ordinary mortals have only been able to become citizens of Nilkawt since 2009 and most are still finding their way around an unfamiliar environment.  This particularly applies in the case of the current Nilkawtian Foreign Minister.

If you are currently a Nilkawtian citizen and you are concerned about losing that status, please note that a little of the information to assist you is currently supplied by the Australian Government. 

Thursday, 7 August 2014

Bank of Nilkawt

The financial system of Nilkawt is the most secure in the world. It is a perfect balance of inputs and outputs, supervised in a celebratory fashion by a small coterie of friends who apparently run the central bank of Nilkawt whilst out on a golf course somewhere.  There are no golf courses in Nilkawt.

The bank itself is known both colloquially and officially as the Ethereal Bank.  Through the bank, all of Nilkawt's international philanthropy is expressed, as well as its numerous national interests.

The four friends who mainly run the bank are Mr Conman Commonwealth, Mr Watchout Westpac, Mr Nabbit Ennay-Bee, and Mr Moneybags A. Enzed.  They have kindly parked all of their surplus personal and family funds into the Ethereal Bank in lieu of salaries, hoping to obtain some very large bonuses for themselves by the end of this financial year.  

If you wish to place your savings somewhere safe, regardless of your current nationality, or the current currency at your disposal, or your possession of a personal safe at home, the Ethereal Bank welcomes any surplus funds you may wish to provide.  This will be subject to the usual terms and conditions concerning the minimum deposit and minimum balance.

The Ethereal Bank of Nilkawt is purely an investment bank.  It carries out no speculation.  It offers no loans.  It offers no financial advice.  Rates of interest are irrelevant to its operations as the bank mainly grows its wealth through Nilkawt's own currency exchange and second-hand goods market. 

At present, one Nilkawtian breath mark ('1), which is also known as the luftpause, is worth $1,000,000 Australian dollars.  The name of the currency derives from musical notation, for obvious reasons.

German persons of substantial means who are currently reminiscing about the Deutsche Mark may be especially keen to convert their surplus funds from euros to the Nilkawtian luftpause at the earliest opportunity.

A minimum deposit of '50 must remain in the account at all times.  This is to ensure that no fees or charges are withdrawn by the bank for no justifiable reason other than to pay large bonuses to the coterie.

Of possible interest to the world's banking community is the fact that the Nilkawtians are currently attempting to oust the four friends from their dominant monetary position.  Suitably qualified persons may therefore wish to gear up for a challenge, with or without the help of their friends.

Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Visa Types

For a first visit to Nilkawt, most applicants opt for the easiest visa to obtain, namely the four-hour Fleeting Visit Visa (FVV).  It is not advisable to apply for this visa if you are likely to arrive purportedly as part of a fishing or naval fleet.  Nilkawt is rather too far from the sea for that.

The FVV is currently available at bargain basement prices, at least for suitably qualified prospective visitors.  Anyone arriving at the Nilkawtian border with heavy luggage, or any luggage at all, will be viewed with suspicion. 

Even with the FVV, applicants will discover that the Nilkawtian Immigration and Broader Inspection staff are instructed to examine and interview all new arrivals through the proper international method.  This will be achieved under reliable global scrutiny, applying the same conditions as a television chat show.  All interviews will therefore subsequently be uploaded to YouTube.

As with any other Nilkawtian visa, anyone needing to ask the price is probably unlikely to be able to afford it.  And only full Australian citizens need apply.  Other nationalities must first obtain an Australian visa, then Australian citizenship, and then vote in state, federal and local elections over at least a ten year period.

The next category of visa is the Only a Visitor Visa (OVV).   This visa is for applicants wishing to sleep in Nilkawt, preferably not during an official guided tour of the royal palace.  The OVV usually lasts for 27.5 hours, no more than eleven of which should be spent in sleeping, dosing, or lazing around doing nothing in particular.

It is impossible to obtain any other visa to visit Nilkawt without first obtaining an FVV followed by an OVV.  This even applies to persons wishing to obtain a diplomatic visa, which in itself will not be acceptable for entry to Nilkawt, of course, but may be acceptable for gaining entry to relevant elegant functions here in the digital embassy.  Accreditation should therefore be in accordance with neighbourhood norms.

For Australian citizens, after entry to and departure from Nilkawt as temporary visitors, it is highly likely that such persons will desire to become temporary or even permanent residents.  The Government of Nilkawt therefore has full measures in place to respond to such ambitions.

An Inadequate Temporary Residency Visa (ITRV) requires its holder to stay at Mrs Bedbug's Boarding House in one of the shabbier and shadier parts of Nilkawtian territory, far away from any of the grand buildings, shops, restaurants, tourist attractions, medical facilities and job opportunities.  The fee for the ITRV includes the cost of drab accommodation, an insufficient breakfast, an occasional small sandwich for luncheon, and a tin of something-or-other for dinner. This will be supplied on a daily basis for up to a year on a help-yourself basis.

You may wish to note that Mrs Bedbug believes herself to be very fortunate to have obtained the ITRV contract after putting forward the lowest bid during the tender process.  She promises to welcome everyone with open arms and much tenderness, as does her very friendly though somewhat clumsy son, Groper Bedbug.

Please note that every holder of an ITRV will be personally responsible for all the cleaning and cleanliness they require; the shower facilities in Mrs Bedbug's establishment are communal and temperamental, and the toilet facilities are at the bottom of the garden.

For the same price as an ITRV, but without any included accommodation and catering, the next option is to upgrade to the Royal Residency Experience Visa (RREV).  This will entitle the recipient to stay within the grounds of the royal palace, at the centre of everything.  There will be an excellent range of accommodation, dining options, and artistic activities from which to choose, subject to the ability to pay in advance. 

In fact, all the RREV possibilities require applicants to pay very well in advance, and very well indeed.  Prior to obtaining this visa, applicants should also expect to be examined extensively and intensively by several suitably qualified medical, dental, sartorial and etiquette specialists.  Nilkawt wishes as many of its visitors as possible to be very well, very well dressed and very well mannered, but not necessarily very wealthy during and after a visit.

Please be advised that the wilder parts of the palace grounds are strictly out of bounds at all times, to ensure the safety and security of all RREV holders.

Before a RREV, ITRV, OVV or even an FVV will be issued, any unhealthy, scruffy or rude applicants, regardless of life expectancy, will be required to pay an additional charge.  This will cover the costs of all the health services of Nilkawt.  The invoice sent to present the charge will therefore include the detailed, forecast budget for the entire Nilkawtian population's health, medical and nutritional requirements over the next twenty-five years, with a statement indicating the percentage of the cost to be paid by the visa applicant. 

The last category of visa is for permanent Nilkawtian residency (PNRV).  Only persons willing to sit, stand or shuffle about in the corridors of power, as well as in the power backup room and the lower parlour in the Parliament of Nilkawt need apply.

If your main desire is to become a Nilkawtian citizen at some future date, it is advisable to acknowledge, in writing, that you are also willing, should that eventuality occur, to become a member of the upper parlour.  The Permanent Nilkawtian Residency Visa is therefore the highest immigration status any visitor usually wishes to attain.

As every citizen of Nilkawt is eligible for a place in the upper parlour of the Parliament of Nilkawt, such persons may also be nominated for a ministerial position in the cabinet, usually quite unexpectedly.   It should therefore be noted that once nominated and approved for a place at the head of a ministry, it is not possible for any candidate to refuse the position offered except by fleeing Nilkawt, with or without the assistance of a fleet.

Applicants for subsequent citizenship should be aware that no Nilkawtian citizen has ever been successful at claiming refugee status.  It is, perhaps, for this reason that so many persons around the world wish to experience life in Nilkawt for themselves yet fail to do so.

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Minister for Brilliance

The Nilkawtian Minister for Brilliance, Ms Sue Perdupah, recently returned from an international conference on brilliance.  It was hosted in Adelaide by the Australian avant-garde alternative government.  All governments require a Minister for Brilliance, at least if a suitable personage is available to fill the position.

The purpose of the Nilkawtian Ministry for Brilliance is to ensure all forms of brilliance are easily acquired by any citizens of Nilkawt of adequate talent, even if they happen to be government ministers.

Ms Sue Perdupah claims to be one of Nilkawt's most innovative citizens.  She is the person who proposed that the Embassy of Nilkawt publish digital postings every weekday, at 9 o'clock in the morning, usually in accordance with the Nilkawtian and Adelaidean timezone.  She is also the one who decided that brilliance does not equate with gaudiness.

Some visitors to our digital embassy may find our presentations and decorations here to be rather too monochromatic at times, and therefore rarely flashy, trashy or dramatic.  Digital diplomacy is a serious activity for which Nilkawtians lead the world, hence our highly respected sobriety and propriety.

Even so, the Minister for Brilliance believes that flirting is a worthwhile political strategy with which to ascertain the trustworthiness of other persons.  It works far better than alcohol whenever matters of protocol require re-examination.

Of course, all flirting on official Nilkawtian business is strictly in accordance with protocol and the subtle limits of respectfulness, which is why no representative of Nilkawt would ever resort to sleaze.

Monday, 4 August 2014

Minister for Lawnless Order

It is well known in Nilkawt that there is no usefulness at all in any sort of sporting activity, hence the enlightened desire of Nilkawtians to avoid such practices, even when a lawn is not required.

The Nilkawtians are very pleased indeed that they have no need for any type of infrequently used sporting facility and can therefore use the saved expense for more useful and pleasant purposes.

The people of Nilkawt have never been interested in competitive sports or any other unnecessary exertions, particularly as there are plenty of proper footpaths and lovely public, private and community gardens to ensure the Nilkawtians are properly exercised. 

Unlike Australia, where proper footpaths are often deemed to be an unnecessary expense, the footpaths of Nilkawt are amongst the most beautiful in the world.  Nilkawtian gardens are obviously magnificent and never excessively pruned.

To ensure the continuation of peacefulness in Nilkawt, the Constitution permits no lawns, topiary, firearms, pets, livestock, children, audio-visual equipment, inappropriate digital devices, internal combustion engines, nasty stories, distasteful pictures, junk food or sporting equipment.

The Minister for Lawnless Order, Ms Lorna Lott, has responsibility for permitting permits to be issued for the importation of fake lawns, plastic shrubs, adorable soft toys and lovely story books.  She also has the power to banish from Nilkawt any persons who are yet to become full citizens of Nilkawt, but only if they have found it impossible to uphold the Laws of Lawnlessness.

Lawnless order is particularly important in Nilkawt due to its erratic supply of fresh water.  Banishment is often, therefore, a consequence of the use of irrigation equipment on fake lawns.

With no creatures with the urge to run about on an expanse of grass, or even to eat it, real lawns would be nothing but a nuisance to the Nilkawtians.  Ms Lott wishes it to be known that with nothing mown, there is rarely any need for Nilkawtians to moan. She also wishes it to be known that she is happily single and never flirts with anyone unless provoked.

The Constitution of Nilkawt states that all full citizens of Nilkawt must usually be over the age of 50 years.  The Constitution also states that all persons under the age of twenty-eight years are considered to be children.

Friday, 1 August 2014

Order of the Charter

It is very well known that as a sovereign nation and constitutional monarchy, Nilkawt provides its head of state with no more powers that any other head of state, including the British one and Australia's possibly two such persons/institutions (but probably none).  The very well-written constitution of Nilkawt mentions the Nilkawtian head of state in several of its sections, which is just as well.

Anything just as well is perfectly acceptable to the Nilkawtians.  This is why they allow their head of state the immense privilege of selecting persons to be recipients of the highest official honour in the land, namely as expressed in the insignia and regalia, and the processional opportunities and ceremonial privileges, of the Order of the Charter.  The Nilkawtians love resplendent ceremonies.

When a new head of state is crowned, all previous recipients of the Order of the Charter are required, under the Nilkawtian Constitution, to return the relevant pompoms, gowns, capes and baubles for recycling, though they are permitted to keep the hats.  This traditional procedure is performed during the Pomp of the Pompoms part of the coronation ceremony, after which the formerly honoured persons are required to put on some frilly aprons, take off their dignified hats and put on silly bonnets, and then serve tea, sandwiches and cake to all the other guests.  The Nilkawtians always know how to deal with hubris.

The charter in question is a precious document.  It provides the only known history of the Order.  However, it may all have been a work of fiction in the dim and distant past and no-one has yet bothered to check if there is any other documentary evidence to prove the facts one way or another.  In any case, this will not matter due to the fact that the Constitution of Nilkawt is an eternally binding document, even though its binding is currently in need of some maintenance.

New recipients of the Order of the Charter become the main advisers to Her Illustrious Highness the Ethereal Grand Duchess.  Quite reasonably, therefore, the Nilkawtian head of state ignores advice from the Government of Nilkawt, and all other governments, on most occasions.

Since the most recent coronation ceremony, only one person has yet become a new member of the Order of the Charter, namely Her Excellency, Madam Magda Carter. The maximum number of members permitted is seven.  The minimum is zero.  It is very fortunate indeed, therefore, that the Constitution of Nilkawt strictly limits the powers of the head of state.