Friday, 28 August 2015

Cell-Fee Building

The new cell-fee building is to be twelve storeys high and two kilometres long, with an enclosed Bridge of Spies between its fifth storey and the Hike Kawt Court of the Caught.  Apart from relatively wealthy prisoners, it is possible that tourists may also gain permission to book accommodation on the lower floors of the cell-fee building, subject to availability, as may former members of religious orders wishing to experience reformed, reforming and reformatory conditions.

The current low-budget tourist accommodation in the old royal palace is scheduled to be upgraded shortly and therefore is no longer likely to be affordable to visitors on a low budget.  The former cells in the dungeons of the old palace are also likely to be upgraded into luxurious, themed suites.

Each cell in the cell-fee building will be self contained.  It will have:

  •  a basic but reasonably comfortable single bed, 
  • a small, cold-water sink and 
  • an electric toilet with a built-in, warm water bidet and energy efficient waste disposal unit.  
All the absolutely necessary solutions for sleep and ablutions will be included.  There will be no luxuries, at least from a middle-class, western perspective.

All surfaces will be in white and neutral tones.  Towels, flannels and bed linen will be supplied, along with unscented toiletries and unscented cleaning products.  All rooms will be sound proofed, simple and sensible.  There will be no contact with the outside world, except through fresh air vents and the natural light available through small, unbreakable, mottled windows.

Crockery and cutlery will be supplied.  Fresh food will be delivered twice weekly through an electronic serving hatch, along with longer lasting food items and necessary medications.  A small, chilled box will be provided for any food items requiring it.

Clothing will match the decor of the room, simply and neatly.  No bad habits will be permitted.

Low-energy light globes, a large desk, an office chair and a small, suitably stocked bookcase will also be supplied, as well as note paper, pens, pencils and a pencil sharpener.

Please note that extroverted prisoners are likely to find the conditions unbearable.  This is especially likely to be the case if they have previously experienced solitary confinement or visited a library.

Please note that personal electronic devices will not be permitted in the cell-fee building under any circumstances.  Nothing will be allowed to interfere with the work of the automatons employed in supervisory and service positions.

Introverted prisoners will be required to do day-release work in highly sociable, highly supervised environments whilst wearing silly costumes and being forced to smile incessantly.  Their shifts will last up to fifteen hours, seven days a week, with only a five-minute break, three times a day, for essential purposes.  Anyone familiar with casual work in Australia will understand the requirements.

Prisoners unwilling or unable to pay for a cell will immediately be transported to Australia, possibly to be banished forever from Nilkawt.

Introverted visitors are likely to consider a cell in the cell-fee building to be bliss.  There is already a long waiting list of persons wishing to book a cell in order to write a novel or their memoirs or an academic thesis or a scientific paper or a judicial decision or an Australian government report.  

The only difference between prisoners and guests is that the guests will have less supervision and the ability to leave the building at any time of their own choosing, regardless of the characteristics of their personalities.  Re-entry is permitted only between the hours of 6pm and 8pm.

Meal delivery services to cells, as well as waste collection from cells, will be made by robotic, yellow baby elephants.  They will be wearing roller skates on their hind legs and pushing pretty floral food trolleys methodically with their raised forelegs.   They will be wearing pink gingham pinafores and serving the food through electronic hatches with their trunks. 

Please note that the food supplied will usually be unprocessed.  For reasons of health and safety, prisoners and guests will not be provided with any ready meals or fried foods or spicy foods.  They may, for an additional fee, be supplied with a microwave oven and a potato peeler.

Monday, 24 August 2015

Official Ceremony of Ceremonies and Salaries

Throughout its history, Nilkawt has been known for its many occasional, traditional ceremonies.  Most of these obviously continue to be of relevance to Nilkawtians, especially whenever a ceremony is associated with a public holiday.

The annual Election Announcement Ceremony is likely to continue be held in the Thrown Room of the New Royal Palace each May, unless more frequent ceremonies of that sort are demanded by an overwhelming majority of Nilkawtian citizens.  The elections themselves, of course, are usually held only in even years, to ensure the balance of power is maintained sufficiently.

In addition to regular ceremonies, there is the very rare Coronation Ceremony with the Pomp of the Pompoms.   From time to time, there are the glorious occasions of the Imaginative Investiture Ceremonies of the Order of the Charter.  There is, in addition, the annual New Citizen Ceremony at the beginning of July.

Outside Nilkawt, there are also Nilkawtian ceremonies.  This embassy, for example, holds a grand reopening ceremony from time to time, especially if the chancery has previously been locked for a while, or even just for a few days.  The embassy also holds grand closing ceremonies, to ensure the grand reopening ceremonies are possible.

In Nilkawt itself, there has been some speculation that the Jogging of the Judges ceremony will not take place this year.  There has also been great concern expressed that various traditions associated with the Constitutional Procession ceremonies will be modified this year.  It is not yet known, therefore, if the Socially Special Sandals ceremony will take place this coming October.  The current head of state is known for promoting egalitarian principles and elegant, well-fitting footwear, regardless of the wealth of her subjects.

The ambassador of this embassy, as a world leader in digital diplomacy, is occasionally required to adapt traditions and ceremonies to take local conditions and other unusual circumstances into consideration.  For Nilkawtians, only their own society is obviously considered to be normal under the provisions of the uncommon law.

Occasionally, the ambassador may require at least one member of her staff to work during a public holiday, but only for exceptionally important reasons.  For example, several employees of this embassy may be required to work officially on the first or last day of a Nilkawtian public holiday, and even on the days in between, in order to facilitate the renewal of documentation for absent-minded Nilkawtians and tourists.

Many Nilkawtians have been known to leave Nilkawtian territory with only an Australian passport, forgetting that they will not then be in possession of the relevant passport for re-entry to Nilkawtian territory.  It is very expensive to process documentation in such circumstances, particularly during public holidays, and therefore the embassy staff require reasonably high fees to cover the costs of their efforts and inconveniences.

In addition, non-Nilkawtians wishing to enter Nilkawt as tourists, mainly in order to visit relatives, have been known to ignore the fact that there are restrictions mentioned in the small print on the authorisation certificate.  It is always important to read diplomatic documentation very carefully indeed, regardless of one's status during travel.

A consequence, in this example, is that both high fees and severe fines are likely to be presented in the invoice attached to the re-issuing documentation.  This is particularly the case for any persons appearing to lack an interest in Nilkawt's greatest cultural attractions upon arrival at the border crossing. 

The Nilkawtian border guards are highly trained interviewers, as no doubt any well informed potential visitor will be aware. They pride themselves on their ability to keep ignorant and immature persons out of Nilkawt, without ever resorting to excessively unpleasant methods.

As a consequence of a few, minor constitutional disruptions in Nilkawt towards the end of last year, several embassy staff unofficially took additional time off from their duties here to examine the situation for themselves.  Gaining first-hand knowledge of relevance to their work is certainly beneficial for any employee, particularly unofficially, in which case there is no official need to pay their expenses.

Since the official ceremony in Nilkawt, in December last year, for the official opening of the official Nilkawtian Tourism Commission headquarters, several staff members of this embassy have taken the opportunity to travel to other parts of the world in the company of the new Nilkawtian tourism commissioner, both officially and unofficially.

Anyone wishing to work officially with the official Tourism Commission of Nilkawt is required to speak and sing in several languages, with and without amplification.  They may also be required to perform proficiently on several musical instruments without amplification, with or without other proficient musicians in attendance.  The additional ability to dance a minuet is preferred, especially when attempting to decipher the Minutes of recent intergovernmental proceedings.

In accordance with their desire to travel the world, even the temporary, part-time, clerical, non-diplomatic employees of this embassy have been keen to work on public holidays in order to promote their careers.  It is for such reasons that this digital embassy often remains open during public holidays, and during the evenings, and all night and even during weekends and cold, wet Monday mornings and sunny Friday afternoons.  It is only when election campaigns are officially underway that this embassy is officially closed.

History rarely details the most essential features of ceremonies, namely their political purposes.  There are private ceremonies as well as public ceremonies, of course.  There are ceremonies in which no-one is quite sure what is meant to occur as well as ceremonies in which every detail is documented with insufferably authoritarian precision.

As there is still no official history of Nilkawt, most ceremonies are considered to be something of a joke to persons wishing to remain reasonable on all occasions.  However, the most unreasonable, publicly-accessible ceremonies are adored by the vast majority of tourists and Nilkawtians, particularly persons with dull, ordinary existences, hence there is much revenue to be gained from the continuation of dramatically colourful proceedings.

Important announcements in Nilkawt are often ceremonial occasions.   This embassy, for example, receives much of the material it announces through the official channels supplied by the head of state's three very private Private Secretaries, as well as through various government departments.

Ceremonies associated with the Order of the Charter, in accordance with the provisions of the Magnanimity Charter, after which the Order was named, are often related to the establishment of the enlightening missions of Nilkawt's ethereal cultural ambassadors and ethereal commissioners.  Ethereal persons in Nilkawt do not receive salaries, though ordinary mortals acting on their behalf often require recompense.  This is why the official Ceremony of the Ceremonies and Salaries is of immense importance to precariously pecunious persons seeking to retain the privileges of affluence.

The Ceremony of Ceremonies and Salaries is also of interest to persons receiving sinecures.  This is not because the recipients of sinecures do anything of any importance.  The payments they are required to make at the Ceremony of the Ceremonies and Salaries, in order to keep their prestigious job titles, pays the salaries of persons doing important work who would otherwise fall into poverty.

The ambassador, as an enlightened leader, frequently presides during dignified inter-cultural occasions in Adelaide.  Her Excellency also provides guidance to the ethereal cultural ambassadors, including Liz and Geoff.

If you are not yet particularly familiar with Nilkawtian culture, the following information will undoubtedly enlighten you:

Entry Requirements

Head of State

Order of the Charter


Grand Reopening


Public holidays

Tourism Commissioner

The Faculty of Official Historians

Important Government Announcement

New Cabinet

Magnanimity Charter

Beginnings of Nilkawtian digital diplomacy

Official opening of this embassy

Example of a grand closing of the embassy

Example of a grand re-opening of the embassy

System of honours

Monday, 17 August 2015

Intentional Communities, Settlements and Residential Care Institutions

All cities, towns and villages in Nilkawt have been intentionally planned, developed, and populated on the basis of the psychological characteristics most likely to ensure peace and harmony can be maintained.  Communities usually consist of ambiverts.  Settlements usually consist of introverts.  Excessively extroverted persons, on the other hand, usually inhabit residential care institutions.

Psychological assessments are of the utmost importance in Nilkawt.  They are always conducted by suitably trained ambiverts, working in teams appointed by a panel of expert, introverted neuroscientists.

The panel itself is selected by a committee of highly experienced, extroverted psychologists.  Members of the committee, in turn, are appointed by having their names pulled out of a hat by the head of state at the annual Maintaining the Peace ceremony in the royal palace.

Having good neighbours is important for everyone.  Once the most consistent personality features of individuals are identified, it is much easier to know how well people are likely to get along with each other.  It is for this reason that all residential property in Nilkawt is owned by the state.

Each person seeking long-term accommodation in Nilkawt is initially required to submit to psychological testing in order to determine the type of neighbour that person is likely to be.  Persons seeking short-term accommodation are usually treated in the same way as tourists and other visitors.

Once the psychological process has been completed, in a facility developed for that purpose, other aspects of a potential resident's qualities will be taken into consideration.  For example, the location of the person's work will be considered, as will the locations of persons who have expressed affection for the individual in question. 

The initial assessment process lasts for between three and five weeks.  Each Nilkawtian county has its own tenant assessment facility, managed by the local government authorities.  The facilities are also used for tribunal purposes in the resolution of local disputes. 

Persons subsequently considered to be annoying to their neighbours are frequently required to spend several weeks residing in a tenant assessment facility, for the purposes of reassessment and possible psychiatric referral.

All psychological assessments are conducted on a full, fee-for-service basis.  All rents are payable in advance.  A bond is required to be paid before taking possession of a property in any Nilkawtian community, settlement or residential care institution.  The fixed cost of the bond is equivalent to six months rental.

Once the initial assessment process is completed, the elected members of all relevant districts with suitable vacant accommodation can compete amongst themselves to acquire the potential new tenant.  During this second stage, a confidential statement is sent from the assessment facility to each district, providing an outline of the unnamed person's essential characteristics, values and interests.