Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Wealth Distribution

Nilkawt is one of the world's most elegant and egalitarian societies.  There is no youth unemployment in Nilkawt.  There is no aged care crisis in Nilkawt.  Poverty in Nilkawt only exists as a matter of voluntary choice.

No-one in Nilkawt usually chooses to become wealthy for their own purposes, at least after becoming a Nilkawtian citizen.  Anyone entering Nilkawt for the first time usually brings most of their wealth with them.

There are few opportunities for exploitative practices by anyone within Nilkawt itself, which means that most Nilkawtians in search of wealth are likely to seek it elsewhere.  Being wealthy before entering Nilkawt has long been advisable, especially for tourists.  There are additional non-residency expenses associated with all sorts of fees, levies, taxes and charges in Nilkawt.  In fact, one of the primary fiscal policies of Nilkawt is to transfer wealth from visitors to residents as efficiently as possible.  This is no different from other countries with a tourism industry.

As to be expected, the financial services industry within Nilkawt also has an efficient wealth transfer division, as anyone visiting Nilkawt on a business visa will have soon discovered.  There are commissions for, and on, everything in Nilkawt.

The wealthiest Nilkawtians are usually those with entrepreneurial and philanthropic abilities.  Ordinary Nilkawtian business persons have very little wealth, as is the case in most societies.

One of the most significant entrepreneurial sectors in Nilkawt involves the emotional manipulation of rich, non-Nilkawtian relatives.  The techniques have been perfected by the former Nilkawtian defence minister, Mrs Jane Grange, the estranged wife of Doctor Grange.  Doctor Grange has recently become an expert on voluntary poverty.

At least half of all Nilkawtians have had the privilege of a financially comfortable upbringing elsewhere in the world, with a standard of education well above average.  It is a matter of much speculation whether such an upbringing correlates with an emotionally secure personal development and happy interpersonal experiences, given the subsequent life histories of the individuals in question.

It is, however, well known that the standard of education received in childhood and youth is rarely matched by a person's abilities, or even their interests.  For example, at least 20% of Nilkawtians have had an inadequate education through the Australian schooling system, though it did not prevent them from learning about the world properly at a later age.

As there is no possibility of accumulating real property in Nilkawt, most Nilkawtians own residential properties in other countries, and particularly in Australia. 

Nilkawtians, and even wealthy non-Nilkawtian permanent or temporary residents, are able to put their names on business establishments in Nilkawt, but only after paying substantial licence fees for the privilege of doing so.  Licence fees are also payable before putting pretentious names on residential properties.

Nilkawtians are not required to declare their non-Nilkawtian wealth to the government, or to the Bank of Nilkawt.  For this reason, no-one is quite sure who is rich or poor in Nilkawt.


Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Sublime Secretariat

The executive board of the International Training Centre for the Harmonious Interplay of Beauty, Understanding and Magnificence employs a full-time sublime secretariat to assist with its immensely important work around the world.

For many years, the secretariat was based in Adelaide in Australia.  More recently, however, the secretariat's main duties have been performed in Palazzo Twaklinikawt in Nilkawt.

In order to ensure its excellent administrative activities can continue to be performed to the required standard of efficiency and effectiveness, several unusual measures have been put in place.

Originally, the work was mainly carried out, ethereally and digitally, with the assistance of several historically suitable staff.  Since most of those persons have now resigned, in order to transfer their newly acquired sublime skills into other locations, it has become necessary to appoint other persons to take their places.

In addition, the only other ethereal former member of the secretariat has now been reassigned to other duties.  Before leaving the position, Doctor Piscopia devoted her attention to training the new, non-ethereal leadership team.  It is not yet known how receptive those persons may be to the ongoing requirements of enlightened leadership.

In view of the above, Doctor Piscopia is, in addition, no longer the principal private secretary to the chief executive officer of the International Training Centre for the Harmonious Interplay of Beauty, Understanding and Magnificence.  The current, ongoing chief executive officer is, of course, the current Nilkawtian head of state.

In Nilkawt, there is not just a sublime secretariat but also a sublime treasury and many sublime traditions and cultural artifacts.  This is due to the fact that an excellent education system is one of the main features of Nilkawtian life.

The Sublime Secretariat administers all the examinations for all the courses associated with Nilkawtian institutions.  It also sets and supervises those examinations, and many other forms of assessment, to ensure the highest standards are maintained.

All final examinations, for any Nilkawtian courses at all, are held either in the new royal palace in Twaklinton, Palazzo Twaklinilkawt, or in the old royal palace in Matildaville.  Examinations may occasionally even be offered through Villa Twaklinilkawt in Adelaide in Australia for persons unable to enter Nilkawtian territory.

Since the head of state began her own Nilkawtian duties, she has received the services of three highly secretive though not necessarily sensible servants, acting as her very private private secretaries.  The duties of those personages have been mainly involved with traditional opening and closing ceremonies.  It is fortunate, therefore, that those persons are not members of the sublime secretariat.

Doctor Piscopia has remained at the secretariat as the chief of staff to the chief executive officer, rather than as a private secretary to that personage in the latter's other capacities.  Maintaining their duties in both Nilkawt and Adelaide has been exceedingly difficult for both persons, even though they are sublimely ethereal and superbly secretarial themselves.

Every good leader has the ability to be a good secretary.  In many cases, a good secretary is also a good leader. Throughout much of history, a good secretary has unfortunately been required to cover the faults of a bad leader on innumerable occasions.  When a good secretary works for a good leader, the good leader will always have the deepest respect for the good secretary, with suitable remuneration and office facilities.

In addition to her other earlier duties, Doctor Piscopia found that the task of chairing the executive board meetings, alternating those duties with Mr Mozart and Queen Charlotte, had become exceedingly challenging for all three of them.  Their ethereal schedules have been immensely full.  Doctor Piscopia also acted as the interim chief operating officer of the training centre, even though she has never performed surgery personally.

Delegating tasks to the most suitably qualified and experienced person has always been the main duty of anyone working for the sublime secretariat of the International Training Centre for the Harmonious Interplay of Beauty, Understanding and Magnificence.  When Doctor Piscopia approached Lord Google for advice on how to perform better services as an executive chair, he advised the appointment of a seating device with a swivel mechanism on its base.

Doctor Piscopia subsequently asked the Duchess of Wikipedia about such matters.  Both ladies agreed that an inanimate object would make an excellent figurehead, but only if a dignified figure could be placed upon the chair itself.

The executive board wishes to announce today that the chairing of executive board meetings will now be tabled as the responsibility of a non-executive individual with immense prior experience of relevance to that essential duty.  Mr Mozart had wished for an orchestral conductor to be appointed to conduct the proceedings.  Queen Charlotte had wished to appoint a cup-bearer to the position.  Doctor Piscopia believed it would be preferable for a Venetian Doge to be offered the position.

Several months ago, the chief executive officer herself, Her Illustrious Highness, had directed all her ladies-in-waiting to receive intensive training, under the direct supervision of Doctor Piscopia.  This was to ensure they could fill any position in the sublime secretariat at short notice.

In reasoning that any problem could easily be solved whenever suitably qualified and experienced persons were available, Her Illustrious Highness has now managed to ensure there are three hundred and seventy seven persons on hand, eagerly waiting to offer assistance before anyone even drops a hat.

This is only an interim measure.  The main difficult is that a conflict of interest has already risen, given the fact that all educational and training institutions in Nilkawt are meant to be associated with the expression of enlightenment.  This does not appear to be consistent with the tasks performed by the chief lady-in-waiting in relation to the Nilkawtian treasury and prime ministership.

This potential problem was raised by Lady Philophrosyne Facebookian-Flabberghast, Countess of Cupateeunkaique, who is not one of the ladies-in-waiting but she is one of the very private private secretaries to the ethereal grand duchess.  The countess is also the sister-in-law to Lady Facebookian the well-known international socialite.  

Unfortunately Lady Facebookian and Lady Philophrosyne do not get on at all well together.  In fact, they have an intense rivalry.

Lady Philophrosyne may be rather flabby and often extraordinarily crabby though that is quite understandable.  She has been that way since she was appointed to establish the Nilkawtian Political Reform Commission last November, during the temporary abdication of Her Illustrious Highness the Grand Duchess.

Before taking up that additional responsibility, Lady Philophrosyne Facebookian-Flabberghast and Lady Facebookian had a tendency to dress the same way, wear similar make-up and style their hair in a similar fashion, in the same shade of brassy blonde.  Unfortunately, both ladies attended the same cosmetic surgeon in the same week on the Queensland Gold Coast and ended up with the same style of nose.

Lady Philophrosyne has also decided that she no longer wishes to continue carrying either the full name, or even the usual shortened version of the name, of her very strange, estranged second husband, who has never, in fact, visited Nilkawt.  Being a citizen only of the United Kingdom means that Sir Parsnip Yorkshire-Pudding-Facebookian-Likebutton is ineligible for a visa to enter Nilkawt.  

The same ineligibility fortunately also applies to Lady Facebookian.  Being a citizen of the United States of America and a long-time resident of everywhere except Nilkawt, that personage is unlikely ever to enter Nilkawtian territory in person.

Doctor Piscopia, Mr Mozart and Queen Charlotte are all honorary Nilkawtian citizens, not only due to their long established connection with the International Training Centre for the Harmonious Interplay of Beauty, Understanding and Magnificence in Adelaide, but also as a consequence of their willingness to continue their association with the esteemed institution after its sublime secretariat moved to Nilkawt.

Lady Philophrosyne is keen to ensure all sorts of mistakes are prevented throughout Nilkawtian territory, whether concerning important government announcements or not-very-important marriage and/or divorce announcements.  In fact, Lady Philophrosyne wishes to announce today that she wishes to be known from now on as Lady Philophrosyne Teaspoon-Sugarbowl-Flabberghast, though that preference will need to be directed to the relevant authority for official scrutiny before any such wish can be granted.

Although there has been a great deal of suspected and somewhat suspicious instability in the Nilkawtian treasury since the announcement of the new Nilkawtian cabinet in March of this year, a discovery has recently been made that the levels of government are, in fact, physical instruments rather than merely legal instruments pertaining to Constitutional structures.

This discovery has meant that the sublime secretariat itself can continue to operate efficiently and with sensitivity, even in the presence of a bubble.  The levels of government are, in fact, three spirit levels.  This seems to suggest there is a Freemasonry element in the Government of Nilkawt.  Mr Mozart has therefore been appointed to investigate the matter further.

The new Nilkawtian Minister for Education, Training and Interpersonal Niceties has been attempting to install his own appointees in various positions, especially in commissions.  He has even been attempting to place his mother at the head of the sublime secretariat and his twin brother, Eric, in Lady Philophrosyne's position, though without her hair, nose or dress preferences.

Doctor Piscopia has pointed out to the minister that he must abide by his Constitutional duties, even though he has stated publicly that he does not like the properties of tea or consultation.  The head of state and the judges of the Hike Kawt Court of the Caught have therefore been consulted by Doctor Piscopia with some urgency in that regard.

To pay for the work of the sublime secretariat, the matter of funding was raised at the recent official ceremony of the ceremonies and the salaries.  The endowment fund in Adelaide is still insufficient for Nilkawtian purposes, especially as there is a possibility that traditional official ribbons are to be supplied for use with all new documentation associated with the sublime secretariat.

Monday, 28 September 2015

Office of Statistical Enlightenment

There is always much work occurring behind the scenes in Nilkawt, just as there is in this embassy in Adelaide, and in other parts of Villa Twaklinilkawt.  

The Office of Statistical Enlightenment, which is usually known outside Nilkawtian territory, and especially at the Enlightened Nations, as the Nilkawtian Office of Statistical Enlightenment, or NOSE, is well known for its wide range of surveys, investigative interviews, and even its annual Required Enlightenment Census.

Being able to provide a selection of statistics to display on the world stage is important for any nation, whether enlightened or not.  The accuracy of those statistics is rarely questioned, unless the figures vary markedly from whatever is considered, speculatively, to be comparatively average.

Science is often questioned when something outside the average occurs.  Recently, for example, Australian universities claimed to have found volcanoes hiding both on land and in the sea.  They supplied this evidence:

Water Sample

Land Sample


Nilkawtians, on the other hand, would never claim to find large geological structures hidden in their midsts.  The geological structures of Nilkawt are outstandingly stable and exceedingly well understood, which is itself statistically remarkable.

Most statistical information about Nilkawt is usually only released to trustworthy officials and fee-paying subscribers under conditions of strict confidentiality.

Monday, 21 September 2015

Most Enlightened Nation Status

An enlightened Constitution, such as the Nilkawtian one, enshrines both freedom of religion and freedom from religion.  This is why Nilkawt has received Most Enlightened Nation Status within the Enlightened Nations.

In Nilkawt, religion is a private and personal pursuit.  It is discussed in private.  It is expressed in private.  There is only one public location within Nilkawtian territory within which religious ideas, of any sort, may be expressed.

Philosophy is another matter entirely.  Discussions about philosophy, science and all sorts of other non-religious matters are acceptable within the Nilkawtian public sphere.

Nilkawtians failing to uphold this part of the Constitution are liable to have their citizenship status downgraded. 

Visitors disrespecting this part of the Constitution are likely to be deported immediately, even if those persons have existed in Nilkawtian territory for many years.

Thursday, 17 September 2015

Management of Land

Nilkawt is one of the fastest growing societies and economies in the world.  It is why all Nilkawtian citizens are expected to be excellent managers of land.  No-one in Nilkawt actually owns any land, except for the ethereal grand duchess herself on behalf of the Nilkawtian state.

Since 1982, all new farmers in Nilkawt have been required to attain suitable qualifications in the biological sciences, culinary history and the art of land management, in addition to extensive knowledge of local and global agricultural and food preferences.

The Nilkawtian counties have various types of soils, societies and culinary preferences themselves.  

Most of the land for farming has been purchased from various earlier owners while other parts have been inherited by the Nilkawtian state or presented to the head of state as gifts.   For example, a retiring farmer, known to his neighbours and his son as Pa Tait O'Sullivan, sold his farm to the former Nilkawtian head of state for a small fee in 1973, on condition that his son could work the farm until the middle of 2015, at which time the son would retire himself.  That has, fortunately, now occurred.

No children of Nilkawtians are permitted to enter Nilkawtian territory until they are deemed to be suitably mature.  This usually means that they are sent away to school and another forms of supervision even before they are born. 

There are no neonatal clinics, children's hospitals, kindergartens, obstetrics services, practicing midwives, primary schools, secondary schools or even universities in Nilkawt.  Persons with Nilkawtian citizenship are required to seek suitable family services elsewhere in the world.

Children of Nilkawtians have no rights at all in relation to Nilkawtian citizenship.  Many of them are unqualified to enter Nilkawtian territory until well after the age of fifty, if at all.  Fortunately for Nilkawtians, it is possible to apply for unpaid parental leave of up to thirty years duration.

Mr Groper Tait O'Sullivan, the former agriculture minister of Nilkawt, who is the son of the aforementioned Pa, was relatively young when he first entered Nilkawtian territory at the age of forty-one.  He is now eighty-seven.  He has always behaved as though he owned the land he farmed, hence it now needs a large amount of remediation.

The culinary aspects of land management in Nilkawt, and anywhere else in the world for that matter, have long been an interest of the former Nilkawtian minister for arts and sciences, Mr Rollo Polo, who was meant to complete a four-month international study tour of popular culinary preferences three weeks ago.  Mr Polo was scheduled to return to Nilkawt immediately upon finishing his investigations.  Unfortunately, he has been required to continue his studies in order to slim down sufficiently to fit down the aisle of a jumbo jet.

The former minister for lawnless order, Ms Lorna Lott, is still preventing anyone from tasting junk food within Nilkawtian territory for Constitutional  and constitutional reasons.  Ms Lott is now known as Judge Lott, having been recently appointed to the very full bench of the Hike Kawt Court of the Caught.

The Hike Kawt Court of the Caught handles all disputes concerning land and food, particularly during picnics.  Official picnics are usually also attended by the current Nilkawtian minister for health, defence and delightful environments, Lady Veri, who now has all responsibility for agricultural matters, amongst other things.

There has been great concern expressed in Nilkawt about the redevelopment of the old royal palace, and especially the large-scale construction in its former grounds.  The project has caused a great deal of controversy in the Nilkawtian media.

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Royal Coat of Farms

As a peaceful, sovereign nation, Nilkawt does not have any armaments.  It therefore has no official coat of arms but it does have a royal coat of farms.  This is in keeping with fact that the only shield required in Nilkawt is one protecting its citizens from all forms of extremes, in a similar way to a sunhat or an oilskin coat.

The royal coat of farms is a simple device, containing little more than a heraldic field.  The field may be displayed singularly, as shown in the illustration, or presented in combination for scientific purposes.

Outside Nilkawtian territory, its tinctures may be more distinctive, depending upon the diplomatic purposes to which the royal coat of farms is put.

Only the Head of State, and therefore the state itself, is permitted to have a coat of farms in Nilkawt, the reason being that Her Illustrious Highness is the title owner, on behalf of the state, of all Nilkawtian farms.

Monday, 7 September 2015

Traditional Official Ribbons

For many centuries, the bureaucratic and legal procedures of Nilkawt have accumulated to ensure the laziest sorts of Nilkawtians can claim a regular salary for doing nothing much of any value.  The procedures are an alternative to redundancy and have therefore been kept in place both as a means of charity and as a form of tradition.  In fact, many forms of forms are required in Nilkawt, and in this embassy, in triplicate, to ensure the tradition of using official ribbons can continue uninterrupted.

The ribbons are made of handwoven Nilkawtian silk, traditionally dyed to a beautiful shade of silver blue.  The silk is produced from specially bred silkworms.  The silkworms live on the royal mulberry trees, kept in large, beautiful, hand-painted ceramic pots within the conservatory-like structure of the Hike Kawt Court of the Caught.  Taking silk in Nilkawt therefore has a very special meaning indeed.

The dots on the silk are hand embroidered in three shades of purple.  The pattern on each dot is unique, yet reminiscent of Celtic art.  Each ribbon is exactly three fifths of a yard in length and two and a quarter inches in width in its finished form.  The ribbons are never cut.

The production of traditional polka dot ribbons is a major form of employment in Nilkawt, much like the paperwork they tie.  It is a Nilkawtian tradition to avoid redundancy wherever and whenever possible, as indicated in Nilkawtian employment statistics.  There has never been any unemployment or underemployment in Nilkawt.

Training apprentices for all the tasks involved in producing the ribbons also has a long Nilkawtian tradition.  No-one can begin any traditional apprenticeship in Nilkawt before the age of forty-seven, though hobbyists may learn any or all of the necessary crafts from the age of thirty-eight, as long as they are Nilkawtian citizens or visitors with at least two months remaining on a RREV.

No-one is permitted to tie the ribbons except for the duly appointed Marchionesses of Tying, and only then during the official ribbon tying ceremonies.

No-one is permitted to untie the ribbons except for the duly appointed Marchionesses of Untying, and only then during the official ribbon untying ceremonies.

No-one is permitted to retie the ribbons except for the duly appointed Marchionesses of Retying, and only then during the official ribbon retying ceremonies.

A Marchioness of Tying, a Marchioness of Untying and Marchioness of Retying must all be present whenever there are official opening ceremonies for events, public parks, buildings, new footpaths and other new features of Nilkawtian life and experience.  In many ways this ceremony is similar to the ribbon cutting ceremony of other societies except, of course, that no Nilkawtian ribbon is ever cut.

Firstly, a Marchioness of Tying will inspect the preparations for the ceremony, to ensure everything is in order and satisfactory.  She will then tie two ribbons together between two portable official bollards.

Then a Marchioness of Untying will give a speech, lasting between fifteen and twenty minutes if everyone present is wearing a hat and thirty-five and forty-eight minutes if at least one person present is not wearing a hat.  She will then untie the ribbon, all being well.

A Marchioness of Retying is present in case anything goes awry, in which case she reties the ribbon.  This allows for the final part of the ceremony to be postponed until the problem is officially resolved.  The relevant Marchioness of Tying, or another Marchioness acting in the same capacity, then repeats the first part of the ceremony and one of the Marchionesses of Untying will repeat the speech in full, or another of her own choosing, and then untie the ribbon.  Then one of the Marchionesses of Retying will inspect the situation ceremonially, as before, to ensure everything is in order.

There is no red tape in Nilkawt.