Wednesday, 17 February 2016

The Most Reasonable Company of Simplifiers

When people complain about red tape or traditional official ribbons, they are usually complaining about excessive complexity, fuss and obfuscation.

Members of The Most Reasonable Company of Simplifiers assist the Sublime Secretariat to ensure all administrative matters in relation to education in Nilkawt are as dignified yet simplified as possible.

The seven most senior of the simplifiers have recently been examining the business situation in the Nilkawtian county of Backoutshire.

Twenty-five of the junior simplifiers have recently been attempting to explain why, in any situation, traditional transitional arrangements are likely to be inadequate, especially in relation to the needs of the public.

Many of the middle ranking simplifiers have been involved, for many years, in the administration of the local Low Kawt courts.  They have also been involved in the design of the new cell-fee building.

The twelve most senior simplifiers were involved with the design of the royal coat of farms.

One of the junior simplifiers is currently acting as the private secretary to the chief secretary for global communications at this digital embassy.  The usual private secretary to the chief secretary is currently acting on behalf of the ambassador as the chargé d'affaires ad interim.  The ambassador herself is enjoying a well-deserved holiday at the Austrooliana Club.

The previous chargé d'affaires ad interim, Bon-Sir Doug Dada of Dada,is currently incarcerated as the first official prisoner in the cell-fee building That person is not usually permitted in Nilkawt.

Unfortunately, whilst acting as chargé d'affaires ad interim at the United Nations, that person complicated and compromised the diplomatic integrity of the Nilkawtians by impersonating the current president of Russia.  Bon-Sir Doug, who speaks fluent Russian, made a purportedly undemocratic and possibly undiplomatic speech.

Although it is not at all unusual for anyone acting as a non-Nilkawtian political leader to complicate matters in the world, the impersonation was certainly not in accordance with the simplification usually expressed by Nilkawtian diplomats.  The speech was in accordance with Russian simplification.

On several occasions between 2010 and 2012, Bon-Sir Doug became adept at impersonating the 67th United States Secretary of State, especially when wearing sunglasses.  He also became adept at hacking into that person's mobile telephone account and email server, though they were quite insignificant amongst the many hundreds of other globally interesting accounts he has hacked in recent years.

The purportedly classified information, which mostly consists of shopping lists, luncheon invitations, weather forecasts and book reviews, is now stored securely in the unofficial headquarters of the Enlightened Nations.  In the interests of openness, the items are located on a flash drive in a secret compartment at the bottom of an 18th century porcelain tea caddy in a rarely opened mahogany cabinet.

All the emails later deleted by the 67th United States Secretary of State have been saved on the flash drive, though copies of all the official email records of the United States Department of State Operations Center are stored on a flash dive in the lid of a cracked old tea pot.

The official and unofficial records of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the People's Republic of China are stored on a flash drive wrapped in hell money.  The information is kept inside a Bakelite box used mainly for stale ginger biscuits, genuinely fake watches, jokes about North Korea, reputable data on counterfeit goods, current and secret future international agreements on intellectual property rights plus financial details of two thousand key figures in transnational organised crime networks.

Several highly experienced Nilkawtian simplifiers are currently working in extremely difficult circumstances, all around the world, both as themselves and in disguise, in person and online.  As with all true, loyal Nilkawtians, they refuse to sell or use armaments or overly sharp dining implements.  They also try to avoid using secret handshakes and heavily scented products.  They usually manage to avoid taking bribes or giving bribes or being photographed or filmed topless or dancing or singing or smiling disingenuously or pretending that smart power is any better or smarter than soft power.

The headquarters of The Most Reasonable Company of Simplifiers is obviously situated in Elegantshire, next to the company's own World Peace Gift Shop.  The simplifiers have, for many years, been at the forefront of efforts by the Reliable Retailing Association of Nilkawt to enhance the experience of shopping in Elegantshire.

The simplifiers are also the main suppliers of the refreshingly responsible retreats currently on offer exclusively to true, loyal Nilkawtians and true, loyal Australians.  Retreats in other parts of the world may also be supplied by the simplifiers in future, subject to the global security situation.

Further, in accordance with their highly advanced training and exceedingly respectable experience, the simplifiers have become the most notable supporters of the Nilkawtian constitutional monarchy.  They are therefore the most notable critics of any transition to a right royal republic.  Their key aim is to maintain stability within democracy, if at all possible.